Without You
by ULTRAnumb
Summary: As children, Edward betrays Bella, his best friend. What happens when they both grow up? -: Better than summary. Just don't want to give too much away. M for foul language, of course! :-
1. You're My Best Friend

**I POV – Thirteen years old. (Almost fourteen.)**

I ran down the stairs and out of the front door, eager to meet my best friend and go to school. Edward met me on my drive every morning at 8:30 sharp. We took about twenty minutes to walk to school, and the other ten were spent just being together.

I reached the end of the drive and didn't see him anywhere.

_Hmmm. That's odd. Edward's never late._

Oh well. Maybe Alice, his sister, had finally managed to get hold of him this morning. She was always determined to dress him in something 'better' than his usual jeans and t-shirt. She always complained about his hair too. Personally, I loved how his long, bronze locks always looked as though he had just rolled out of bed.

I stood and waited excitedly for him.

It was our first day back at school after the summer holidays. I had been forced to go and spend the entire time in Arizona with my mother. My parents had divorced when I was four years old and I had been bought up by my dad in Forks.

I hadn't seen Edward the whole time and had hardly been able to speak to him. He understood though.

I was so excited to see Edward again. We had been best friends since we were about three years old. Almost eleven years. The thing I regretted most about being away this summer was that I had missed Edward's fourteenth birthday. Ever since we were four, we hadn't spent our birthdays apart. I had actually laid in bed crying on his birthday this year because I hadn't been there for him.

Edward still didn't turn up. I looked down at my watch and was shocked to see that it was almost nine.

I pulled out my phone and dialled Edward's number. He didn't answer.

I tried calling Alice instead.

Alice was Edward's older sister. She had recently turned 16 and had just gotten her first car. Our schools were right next to each other.

"Hey Izzy sweetie. What's up?"

"Hi Alice, ummm, you don't know where Edward is do you?"

"Where Edward is? Isn't he at yours?"

"No. He was supposed to meet me at half eight. Same as always. But he wasn't here. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer."

"Oh. So, where are you?"

"Still at home. I didn't realize what the time was. Now I'm gonna be late for the first day of school!"

"Ok. I'm on my way. I'll be right there sweetie."

"Thanks Alice."

As I waited for Alice to arrive, I wondered where Edward could have gotten too. He had never been late before, except once when Alice had managed to tackle him before he left the house and had insisted on gelling his hair. Even then he had only been about two minutes late because he had sprinted the whole way.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have no idea where Edward is, Izzy. I tried phoning him several times on the way here." Alice told me when she picked me up.

"You don't think anything happened to him do you?" I asked, nervously.

"I don't know....I hope not. Let's not panic just yet though!" she said, seeing my impending panic attack. "Let's just get you to school, and we'll see if he's there, then we'll decide what to do next if he isn't, ok?"

"Ok. I'm just really worried. He's never been late before...Ever."

"I know sweetie. I'm sure he's ok though...maybe he didn't feel well and went home? We have to think of all the possibilities honey, not just the scary ones, alright?"

"Yeah. Ok."

I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"I can't believe that I'm gonna be late for the first day though! And so are you!"

"Don't worry about it Izzy. I'll come in with you and talk to the receptionist, ok. You know how I can wrap people around my little finger when I want!"

I laughed, knowing full well just how Alice always got her own way.

She was so cute and spunky. She had long caramel coloured hair, the same as her mom and had it tied in high pigtails most of the time. It made her look so sweet and innocent, though everyone who knew her knew that the complete opposite was true. I was an only child, so I loved that Alice talked to me. It was almost like having a sister. Her and Edward's older brother Emmett treated me like his little sister too. He was eighteen and was nearly finished at school. He would be leaving to go to college soon. I would really miss him. Emmett always reminded me of a bear. He was big. He must have been about 6' 6" or something. He was taller than his father by at least 3-4 inches. He had cute dimples though. He was really cheeky and playful. I loved him to bits.

Alice pulled out her phone again but sighed as she hung up.

"Still no answer." she grumbled, flicking a strand of hair out of her face.

I sometimes envied Alice her looks. Although she was short, she was beautiful. She had large bright blue eyes, a cute nose and a brilliant smile. She was also slim and toned.

I, on the other hand, had short dull brown hair, boring brown eyes and was fat.

Alice always said that I wasn't fat. I was just a little chubby according to her. She said that I would balance out when I was older, but I didn't believe it. I was a little tomboy, and preferred rough housing with Emmett or Edward to doing my hair or playing with makeup. The way I looked was also the reason I called myself Izzy. I didn't think I was pretty enough to be called anything more girly.

That was the reason I had such short hair. I couldn't be bothered to mess around with it in the mornings. It was just cut in a plain, straight chin length bob with no layers or anything.

I wished that I was more beautiful, but I knew I never would be. I never understood why a family as attractive as the Cullen's liked me. Even their parents, Carlisle and Esme were beautiful. Still, Edward always told me that he thought I was beautiful. I always told him he was an idiot. He finally realised that I would never believe him, so instead told me that no matter what anyone said about what I looked like outside, I was still the most beautiful person on the inside that he had ever met.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We finally reached the school and Alice walked into the reception with me.

"Hi, Mrs Cope." she said, smiling sweetly.

"Hello, Alice dear. What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to make sure Izzy didn't get in trouble for being late. There was a problem with her getting in. Her father was called out to work early and forgot that Izzy didn't have another way of getting here in time. She called me to go and get her."

"Oh yes. Of course. I'll just change the register and mark her down as attending. There we go, all done dears."

"Thank you Mrs Cope! Sorry for the bother."

"Oh it's no bother, Alice. I'm glad you managed to get here Izzy."

"Thank you, Mrs Cope." I murmured.

I forgot to mention, I'm very shy and quiet. I only really talk around the Cullen's, and even then mainly to Edward.

Mrs Cope smiled at me sweetly and wished me a good day at school.

As I picked up my bag to go to class, Alice pulled me aside.

"Ok, I'm gonna head to my own class now, but text me if you don't see Edward at all, ok?"

"I will. I hope he's ok...."

"I'm sure he is sweetie. Hopefully I won't speak to you till this afternoon!"

"Hahaha, I hope not!"

With that I walked into the hall and headed to my first class.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was almost lunch time and I was getting worried. I hadn't seen Edward yet, but Alice had told me not to panic unless I didn't see him by lunch.

I walked into the canteen, getting ready to pull my phone out to call Alice, when I saw him.

I let out a sigh of relief as I saw him standing in line to get his lunch.

"Edward!" I cried running up to him and hugging him. "Where were you this morning? You didn't turn up to meet me! I was worried something was wrong!"

Something _was_ wrong. He wasn't hugging me back.

"Edward? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Nothing's wrong." he replied, sounding strained.

I pulled back and looked at him. There was something different about him.

He wouldn't look me in the eye.

Suddenly I felt someone shove me aside.

"Eddie, you coming?"

I stared in horror as Jessica Stanley draped herself around Edward. Then she leaned up and kissed him. My best friend. And he let her. And kissed her back.

My best friend was......_dating_......my worst enemy.

Oh my god......

That's why he didn't come to meet me this morning. Because of her.

Oh my God.

"Oh, hi _Izzy_." Jessica sneered. "You look...good."

Her best friend Lauren Mallory let out a loud laugh beside her.

I looked at Edward, expecting him to tell her to leave me alone.

He didn't.

"Edward..." I whispered brokenly.

He wasn't even looking at me.

Oh my God.

I did the only thing I could then.

I ran.

I ran straight out of the school.

I couldn't even be in there right now.

I raced across to the High School and right to Alice's car.

I curled up by the side of her little Clio and sobbed harder than I ever have before.

I didn't know how long I sat there, but eventually I head a soft voice saying my name.

"Izzy? Izzy?"

I looked up, longing to see Edward, but instead I saw Emmett, with Alice standing behind him.

"Izzy, what's wrong?" she asked anxiously.

I just stared up at her. The word were to awful to speak.

Emmett knelt down next to me and stroked my hair.

"Hey, bug." he whispered, using the nickname he had given me years ago. "What's up kiddo? Why are you out here? Where's Edward? Why isn't he with you?"

"He....he...he's _dating_ Jessica Stanley!"

"Jessica Stanley?!" Alice asked sharply.

"Uh huh. And...he...wouldn't hug me. Or even look at me. And when she was mean...he didn't do _anything_. He didn't even look at me then."

"That little asshole!" Emmett snarled angrily.

"Emmett! Don't swear in front of Izzy!"

"Oh, sorry Izz."

"That's ok." I sniffed.

I spent the rest of my lunch break sitting with Emmett and Alice by her car. Emmett sat on the ground and pulled me onto his lap and hugged me.

He really was like a big brother to me. He always hugged me when I was hurt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a while, I had to go back into school for my last classes.

Alice promised to drive me home that afternoon.

Emmett promised to punch Edward for me.

Although I was still upset, I couldn't help but laugh at that. Trust Emmett to promise violence.

I really loved Emmett. Ever since I first met him he had always looked out for me. He always teased me, but he never meant it in a nasty way. He was my Emmie-bear.

I sat alone during the last lessons and Edward didn't speak to me, even in biology when we sit next to each other. He still wouldn't look at me.

When Alice dropped me off at home in the afternoon I just sat in my room listening to music and staring out of my bedroom window.

I had no idea what was going on with Edward. He had always said that we would be friends forever. And that nothing would ever change that. Obviously something had though.

I fell asleep hoping that he would maybe apologise tomorrow at school and that everything would be back to normal.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**So, what do you think? Any good so far? Will anyone bother reading it if I carry on?**

**~ ULTRAnumb**


	2. End Of All Hope

**I POV**

I went to school the next day and nothing changed. Edward still ignored me.

It just got worse and worse from then on. After about a month I was hating school more than ever and confronted Edward. Wanting to know why he was treating me the way he was.

"Edward." I called softly.

He kept his back to me.

"Edward."

I wasn't going to give up. I was terrified because he was surrounded by his new friends, but I could never seem to find him alone.

"Edward."

"What?" he snapped spinning round to face me.

"Why?" I asked simply.

"Why what?"

"Why won't you speak to me? Why do you keep ignoring me?"

"Why not?" he answered harshly.

He went to turn back around and I grabbed his arm.

He threw me off of him and glared at me angrily.

"Don't touch me." he hissed.

"What did I do? What did I do to make you hate me?!"

"Izzy, I grew up over the summer. I got a girlfriend."

"What does that have to do with anything? What, you can't be friends with me just because you have a girlfriend?"

"No. I can't be friends with you because I don't want to be."

"You...don't want to be?" I repeated weakly.

"No. You're not cool. Or mature. You're just a little baby, Izzy."

"But...we've always been friends. Ever since -"

He cut me off angrily.

"Yeah. And that's why I was so unpopular. Because I was friends with you."

"You never cared though. You never wanted to be popular."

"No, I never thought I would be. But I started getting popular when you weren't around."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You're just a silly little kid Izzy. That's all you'll ever be. You'll always just be fat, baby Izzy."

I stared at him in utter confusion and hurt.

My best friend was gone. He had been lost.

He didn't want me anymore.

"Edward...." I whispered. "Please."

"Get lost, Swan. I'm better than that now. You're beneath me." he sneered viscously.

My heart felt as though it was breaking.

I had no one. Edward had been everything to me.

I couldn't breathe. My throat felt constricted. My head was swimming. All I could see was the ugly, hateful sneer on Edward's face.

I felt the tears start to roll down my face.

"Oh look! Fat, baby Izzy's crying!" I heard someone laugh, though it sounded far away.

I thought I had cried hard the first day back at school. That was nothing compared to this. The tears were pouring down my face and I could hear the heartbroken sobs tearing from my chest.

With one last look at Edward's hateful face, I turned and ran as fast as I could, stumbling all the way. I ran straight out of the school gates. I didn't care anymore. I needed to be as far from Edward as possible.

I ran and ran, barely even paying attention to where I was going.

As I ran, I realised that it was raining pretty hard.

But I didn't care, and I didn't stop.

My lungs were burning from the effort to keep running, and my legs felt as though someone had been hitting them with a lump of wood. But I still didn't stop running. I couldn't.

I finally fell to my knees when I reached the meadow that Edward and I had found a couple of years before. I hadn't even realised that I was heading there until I reached it.

By now the rain had turned into a full thunder storm, but I didn't care. I collapsed in the centre of the meadow and continued to sob harder than I ever had in all my life.

I had nothing left now.

All hope was lost.

I was broken.

My best friend had betrayed me.

I was frozen and shaking, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

I felt myself getting weaker and everything started getting dark.

There was nothing anymore.

No more joy. No more laughter.

No more life.

_The end of hope._ I thought miserably.

Then everything went black.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Ok, I know that was really short, but this chapter is just to show how Bella feels, and how Edward betrays her.**

**Next chappie should be up soon!**

**~ULTRAnumb.**


	3. I Am, I'm Me

**B POV – Eighteen (almost nineteen)**

I was so excited! I was finally going to college! I was moving out today and heading to live in halls. I couldn't wait to get there. Of course, my mom had been all upset over it, crying that her baby girl was going to forget about her. Not that I ever could. All in all, life was brilliant. I had never thought I would ever find my place at school, especially after everything that happened with Edward, but I had. I had met Khloe, Tasha, Sarah and Lacey when I started school in Arizona after I left Forks to live with Mom after the whole Edward incident. I had been the shy, scared chubby little new girl, who had wanted to disappear, until one of the most popular girls in the year came up to me and asked me if I wanted to sit with them.

_**Flash back**_

"_Hey there."_

_I jumped, shocked to hear someone speaking to me._

"_H-Hi." I stammered._

"_Hey. I'm Natasha, but everyone calls me Tasha or Tash. You're Isabella Swan, right? The new girl?"_

"_Y-yeah. But, I usually get called Izzy."_

"_Izzy. Well Izzy, would you like to come sit with me and my friends? We hate seeing new people sitting alone. There's really no reason why new people shouldn't sit with anyone. Being new, you haven't had a chance to offend anyone!"_

_She laughed and sat in the seat opposite me._

"_So, how about it? Don't worry, we don't bite. We may act like bitches sometimes, but we aren't that all that bad really."_

"_Ummm...ok. If you're sure."_

"'_Course I am. We all are. Come on."_

_With that she had scooped my bag up and grabbed my hand. She led me over to her table, and introduced me to her friends._

"_Izzy, this is Sarah, Khloe and Lacey." each of them waved as Natasha said their name._

"_Guys, this is Izzy."_

"_Hiya Izzy." they all said_

_As we chatted, I had told them about myself and that I had lived with my dad until a week ago. Lacey asked me why I had moved to Arizona._

"_Ummm...well, I sort of had to. I had some problems with someone back at my old school."_

"_What sort of trouble? Like, someone was picking on you?"_

"_Kinda..."_

"_What do you mean, 'kinda'?" Sarah asked curiously._

"_Well, it was this boy called Edward...he...um, he used to be my best friend, but I spent the summer on holiday with my mom, and when I got back, he had....changed. He was dating this popular girl who had always been really mean to me, and he started being nasty. He wouldn't talk to me and told me to get lost. He said that he had grown up over summer, and that I hadn't. That I never would. He said I'd always 'just be fat, baby Izzy', and that...that...I was....beneath him.""_

_I choked back my tears. The wounds from his words where still too fresh._

"_Oh my god! Your best friend said that?!"_

"_Yeah. Umm...I was really unpopular at school. Like, I was a nobody. Edward...he was the only one who stood by me. We had been friends since we were about three. I didn't have anyone else. Just him. So I had nothing left to stay in Forks for. I lost the only reason I survived there. The only reason I hadn't already moved in with my Mom. Don't get me wrong, his sister was really nice, Alice, and his brother Emmett, but Alice was sixteen and Emmett was eighteen, so I didn't exactly hang out with them."_

_When I finished telling them, Natasha launched herself at me and hugged me tightly._

"_Oh Izzy! I'm so sorry sweetie! Don't you worry, we'll be your friends from now on, won't we girls?"_

"_Hell yeah!"_

"_Sure will!"_

"_Damn straight!"_

"_You just stick with us Izzy. We won't ever do that to you."_

"_Never." the other three chorused._

"_We'll have so much fun that you'll forget all about this....Edwin was it?" Natasha joked._

_I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips._

"_There you go. See, you're getting over him already!"_

_After that, I hung with the girls everyday and we got closer all the time._

_**End Flash back.**_

Being with the girls had made me become a little more girly, and I had started to grow my hair. I also started to go by Bella, wanting a clean slate. I didn't want to be the person I had been back in Forks.

The week after I confronted Edward had been a bit of a blur.

After passing out in the meadow I had woken up in hospital, with my dad and mom sitting by my bed. I had gotten hypothermia from sitting in the rain and the cold for so long. I hadn't been found until half nine that night. Nine and a half hours I had been in the rain for. I could have died. I was lucky not to.

I had begged my parents to let me go and live with mom in Arizona. I couldn't bare living in Forks and seeing Edward ever again. I would miss the rest of the Cullens. They had always been so good to me. Carlisle and Esme had been like my other parents. Alice had been a great friend and like a sister to me. And Emmett. My dear big Emmie-bear. My big brother, in every way but blood. Yes, I knew I would miss them so much, but I had to leave. And have a full clean break. No contact with anyone from Forks. Except my dad. But he would have to visit me in Arizona. I was never going back to Forks. For even the shortest time.

Anyway, that was all in the past. Although it still hurt, and most likely always would, I couldn't let it rule my life. I hadn't all these years, and I wasn't about to start now.

"Bellarina!!" I heard Tasha call up the stairs to me. "Come on, girl! We gotta get to college! I wanna get to dorms!"

I laughed at the nickname my best friend had given me shortly after I started going my Bella. It had been a very ironic nickname at the time. Because I had a severe balance and grace deficiency. I had been walking along and had tripped over nothing several times on my way to the canteen one lunchtime and Sarah had laughed and had said, (very sarcastically I might add) "You're regular ballerina aren't you, Bella?" to which Tasha had replied, "Ha..ha ha! Not _balle_rina, _Bella_rina! Hahaha!"

Since then the name had stuck, although I had become a lot more graceful as I got older. I had almost perfect balance now. Probably due to the fact that I had been forced to wear high heels so often by the girls. It was either; improve my balance and grace, or fall and break my neck. It's quite an effective form of motivation!

"Coming Tash! Be right there, sweetie!"

I grabbed my last bag and ran down the stairs. A box with the rest of my things in was already by the front door.

My mom ran over and gave me a great big hug.

"You come visit your old mom sometimes, you hear me Bella?"

"Oh, Mom. You're not old! You're not even forty yet! You were only my age when you had me!"

"Ha ha, Isabella. You know what I mean. Just don't forget about me."

"I could never forget about you, Mom! I need someone to bring my laundry to!"

I ducked as she tried to smack me on the back of the head.

I laughed and pulled her into a hug.

"I'd never forget you Mom. I love you. I promise to visit as often as I can. And even when I can't visit, I'll call or email you."

We finally released each other and I turned to my step-father, Phil. He and mom had married about a year after I had come to live in Arizona. I loved him as much as I loved my dad. He was wonderful and had always been so good to me.

Once we finished hugging and saying our goodbyes I grabbed the box of my belongings and headed out to my car.

Tasha didn't have a car at the moment. Someone had hit it recently and completely totalled it. So she was travelling to college with me. Her parents had bought her to my mom's with her stuff.

We quickly loaded the car and Tasha said goodbye to her parents before climbing into the passenger seat. I was about to get into the driver seat when I suddenly remembered something.

"Shit! My guitar!" I raced back into the house and bolted to my room to get my beloved guitar. It was a custom made Les Paul bought for me by Phil. It was a dark crimson red and had my bands name, Apassionata, inlaid on the front in white gold, with the 'i' dotted by a large topaz.

I had gone completely mental when I had unwrapped it on my seventeenth birthday.

When I had first moved to Arizona, I had wanted to do something with my time, so I had taken up music lessons. I had been playing guitar since I was fourteen. I had also been singing since I was fifteen. Tasha and I had started our band, Apassionata, when we were sixteen. I was the singer and second guitarist, Tasha was the lead guitarist, Lacey played keyboard, and our friends James and Jacob played drums and bass guitar, respectively.

Jacob was actually Khloe's cousin, and James was our friend from school.

Live was so perfect right now.

I had changed so much since I had left Forks. I was taller, still quite small, but not quite so tiny anymore. I had lost a lot of weight, but I wasn't a size zero. I was a size 8 and had some great curves. I was still as pale as ever, even living in the sun of Arizona. My hair was one of the biggest chances for me. As a child I had never had it longer than my chin. It now reached my waist in large natural waves. And I loved it so much that I knew I would never cut it off.

Although I have never been full of myself, I had to admit, I was rather beautiful now.

I had been told that I would never grow up or change.

"_You'll always just be fat, baby Izzy."_ Edward had told me.

I laughed at how wrong he had been.

_Oh, Edward Cullen. How wrong you truly were. If only you could see me now!_

I laughed again.

I knew that would never happen. And for the first time in my life, I was glad for it.

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Ok, so that is why the last chappie was so short.**

**I wanted to jump five years in the future.**

**Due to the last couple of lines, it's pretty obvious what's gonna happen next, huh?! **

**LOL!**

**The shit is gonna hit the fan, darlings!**

**~ ULTRAnumb**


	4. Angels

**B POV**

I yawned and stretched myself out. I had just woken up on my first morning in halls.

I was lucky enough to be sharing my dorm with Tasha. Well, other than the fact that that girl could snore! Jeez. I mean, come on! It sounds like a goddamn bear sleeping in the room with you!

Over the years I've gotten mostly used to it. Yeah, I just put my headphones on and turn up the volume on my i-pod!

My bed wasn't nearly as comfy as the one at home, but I guessed that when you had been up for hours doing college work, it wouldn't matter if it felt like sleeping on a bed of nails, you'd still be glad to have a bed!

It was lucky I shared a room with someone who was already my friend because it meant we wouldn't offend each other with posters. We both liked the same celebs and the same bands. Our walls were already covered in posters. We had our bands banner pinned to the wall between our beds. Khloe had designed and made it for us two years ago. It was awesome.

It was a deep crimson red flag with the band named scrawled across it in gold and a musical note with half a halo above it and a devil horn on the other side. She said it was because we were a rock band, but I still sang like an angel. I had been classically trained and my voice was quite operatic. I was often compared to Sharon Den Adel of Within Temptation, and we actually covered a lot of their songs for that reason.

I knew we wouldn't be doing much today, just settling in and hanging out. Luckily all my friends had come to this college, so I wouldn't be alone. Three of us were studying music, though I was also doing literature by myself.

I was sitting with Tasha and the girls when James came crashing into mine and Tasha's room, closely followed by Jacob.

"Guys, you won't guess what just happened!" James cried excitedly.

"What, your balls finally dropped?!" I squealed jokingly.

James threw a cushion at my head.

"No you bitch." he laughed, "We were down at the SU bar, and heard the manager on the phone and yelling at someone. When he got off he told one of the bar staff that the band they had booked for tomorrow night's 'Welcome to College' thing had dropped out, so Jakey here turned round and we told him that we were in a band and played him a couple of the sound clips on my phone, the guy said we were brilliant asked us to take their place and play a gig tomorrow!"

"Oh my god! That's awesome guys!"

"Sweet!" Tasha yelled.

"What are we gonna do? What songs and stuff, or are we going to do the usually and plan a couple and then ad lib and just play whatever we feel like?"

"I like the second option. It's more fun when we do that!" Jake said, raising his hand.

"Same." James added.

I looked at Tasha and Lacey and they both nodded.

"Ok, ad-libbing it is!" I laughed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day was our first day of lectures, but we didn't do much. We just had to go to the class, meet the lecturer and get a pack about what we would be doing that year.

We decided to spend the rest of the day rehearsing for the gig, although we couldn't do much, so Jacob sat with his game, Rock Band, drum kit as a substitute, James played his bass while me and Tash played our guitars, but didn't bother plugging them into the amps, and Lacey played her keyboard on a low volume. We didn't want anyone hearing us until tonight so we made sure to be quiet.

It was finally six and the girls and I were getting ready for the gig.

I decided to wear my black lycra three quarter length leggings which stopped just under my knees with my crimson red jumper dress. The dress just skimmed my mid thigh and hung off one shoulder and had three quarter length sleeves. It was thin though. Not wool but cotton. I loved it. I put a black belt round my waist to show off my figure. I finished the outfit off with my killer four inch red heels.

I applied my usual small amount of make-up, putting a little eye-shadow on and some mascara and eyeliner. I put some reddish lipstick on to finish it up.

My hair was what Tasha always called my sex hair. I threw my head forward and backcombed it, putting some hair spray on to keep the style, before tossing my head back and letting the hair hang however it fell.

I loved my hair like that; it gave a lot of volume to it.

We had already sorted out the stage in the SU bar, setting up our instruments, doing a sound check while no other students were around, and hanging our banner behind us.

We finally headed down to the bar and stood to the side of the stage, while James and Jake got some drinks for us.

At seven, it was time for us to go on stage.

Tasha ran on first, as always, to introduce us all.

"Hello fellow students!"

A few already drunk people cheered at this point, causing Tash to giggle.

"I'm Natasha Rye, and I'm the lead guitarist of Apassionata!"

James walked onstage.

"Our kick ass drummer, James Cottee!"

Lacey hopped up.

"Our lovely keyboardist, Lacey Anderson!"

Jacob jumped on.

"Our...very tall....bassist, Jacob Black!" Jake laughed at her comment.

My turn now. I walked onstage though I still had my back mostly to the crowd as I picked up my guitar. Also, I could never deny Tash her opportunity to praise me. She always had to do it.

"And last, my most certainly not least, our talented and beautiful singer! Please welcome the gorgeous Isabella Swan!"

I turned round and stepped up to my microphone.

"Hi, there!" I called, nodding to Tash to start the intro to our first song, "this is a faviourite song of mine. This is Escapist by NightWish!"

We started the song and I felt the same rush i always felt on stage. I loved doing this. I wasn't a lover of attention, but I loved being able to sing and play the music I loved so much.

As we played I scanned the crowd out of interest and felt my breath catch when i saw someone I recognised, standing not too far from the stage.

_Jessica!_

Jessica Stanley, the girl who had made my life hell. The one who had turned my best friend against me. She was here. At the same college as me.

She was staring at me in blatant shock, unable to believe that it was me standing on the stage.

I saw the people standing around her.

Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, Lauren Mallory, Tanya and Kate Denali and Jane Volturi.

And....oh God!

Standing just behind Jessica was...Edward!

_No! No, no, no, no! __This can't be happening! They can't all be here! My life has just finally settled! They can't be here! Not now!_

I felt my chest getting tight and was starting to freak out.

Luckily we had just reached a drum solo. I spun around and went to get my drink which was just in front of the drums.

Tasha came over and whispered to me quietly, asking what was wrong.

When I told her I had to grab her arm and hold her in place as she looked as though she was about to rush off stage and attack them all.

I managed to control my breathing and took a swig of my drink.

"Tash, after this song, start playing Angels."

"Angels? But that song makes you sad!"

"I know, just trust me. It explains how I feel, I wanna know if Edward can hear the message in it."

"Oh, you are a genius! Ha! Hope he fucking does, sweetie!"

We turned back to the front of the stage as the song finished.

James gave me a worried look and I smiled at him and shook my head slightly.

He gave me a look which plainly said "You _will_ tell me after the gig."

I nodded. I knew I would have no choice.

Tasha started to play the song I had asked her to.

_Good. I wonder if Edward will know that this is for him?_

"This song is for someone out there. I won't say who, I wonder if they will know, purely by the lyrics?"

_**Sparkling angel I believe  
You were my saviour in my time of need.  
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear  
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.  
I see the angels,  
I'll lead them to your door.  
There's no escape now,  
No mercy no more.  
No remorse cause I still remember**_

_**  
**_The next line was so perfect for what Edward had done.

_**  
The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.**_

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see  
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.  
Fallen angel, tell me why?  
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?  
I see the angels,  
I'll lead them to your door  
There's no escape now  
No mercy no more  
No remorse cause I still remember

_**  
**_I had been peering at Edward out of the corner of my eyes the whole time watching how he bit his lip as he listened to the song I was singing, but now I looked directly at him. I saw him gasp and his eyes widened as it finally clicked. He knew that this was aimed at him.

_**  
The smile when you tore me apart  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end.**_

This world may have failed you,  
It doesn't give you reason why.  
You could have chosen a different path in life.  


I completely threw myself into the song now, pouring out all the pain and anger I had suffered because of him in my voice.

_**  
The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end.**_

I watched as Edward looked down and swallowed.

_Yeah. You hurt me, bastard. You fucking damn near broke me. I hope you can see that, asshole!_

I quickly wiped away the couple of tears that had escaped while I was singing.

Tasha sidled up to me.

"Who Knew?"

I smiled.

"Good one."

We flowed perfectly into the next song and did what we did best.

Edward kept watching me and looked annoyed.

_Oh, you're annoyed?! How about me? My life is finally working out and you fucking show up at the same college as me?! So not fucking cool!_

As the song ended, Tasha signalled me over to her.

"You need cheering up, sweetie. How about Without You?"

I laughed.

"Hell yes!"

"Also, it'll show that bastard what you are now, and how pathetic he is."

I stepped back up to my mic and tossed my hair back over my shoulder as Tasha started up.

"Ok, this is our last song, people. Hope you enjoy it!"

_**I was driving in my car,  
When I heard the loud guitar  
Of the band you used to hate  
You said so on our date**_

Well the song was really bad  
But it made me think of you  
I believe that what we had  
Was a miracle of two

I don't wanna know the reason why you ran away  
I don't wanna show the tears I shed on you

I'm moving on___**I know I'm done  
I'll find a place where I belong  
I'm not afraid**____**Just like you said  
I've been disgraced just far too long**_

Why was it wrong to stay with you  
Why was it wrong to love you back  
I'm not the one who chose this way  
I'm not the one who pulled you back  
And now  
I'm still here

I looked directly at Edward, my eyes flashing angrily.

_**Without you**_

I was going for a walk  
When you called this afternoon  
"I don't know if we should talk  
But I have to see you soon"

Well you know that it's too late  
I have grown away from you  
And I closed my iron gate  
I'm better off alone

I don't wanna know the reason why you turned away  
I don't wanna show the blood I shed for you

I'm moving on___**I know I'm done  
I won't look back until you're gone  
I'm not afraid**____**Just like you said  
I'll find my peace under the sun**_

Why was it wrong to touch your face  
Why was it wrong to keep my space  
I'm not the one who put you down  
I'm not the one who let you frown  
But now  
I'm still here___**Without you**_

I know people like the games  
You can't make them stay the same  
I don't see how love can end  
We should all stop to pretend  
No more lies and no more pain  
I can't stop the fate again  
I will find my peace somewhere  
I will find a way - so I'll smile

_**  
**_I gave what my friends called my breath taking smile, flashing it right at Edward, although I didn't look at him now.

_**  
I'm moving on**____**I'm not afraid  
I'll find a place where I belong  
I know I'm done**____**Just like you said  
I've been disgraced just far too long**_

Why was it wrong to stay with you  
Why was it wrong to love you back  
I'm not the one who chose this way  
I'm not the one who pulled you back  
And now  
I'm still here

I looked up and met Edward's eyes again.

He looked really pissed now.

_**Without you.**_

As the song finished I held my head up high and smiled out at the crowd.

"Thanks for listening, we've been Apassionata, and you've been a fucking awesome audience!"

The crowd cheered and yelled "Encore! Encore!"

I walked over and put my guitar away before putting the microphones and stands away.

I them hopped up onto James' stool to reach our banner.

Now, while I have much improved balance, I can't stay upright when someone kicks something I'm standing on, as Tasha did.

She smiled sweetly as she danced up to me before she kicked the stool away.

I squealed with laughter as I toppled backwards.

I landed with and "Oomph" in James' arms.

"Natasha!" he scolded, laughing. "You are such a bitch sometimes!"

"I know! I didn't even do anything!" I giggled.

Tasha smiled and bounced off again.

"Umm...James, d'you mind putting me down now?"

"Oh! Sorry, Bellsy! Forgot about that!"

"Yeah right!" I called as he walked away after placing me on my feet. "You just wanted to feel me up, asshole!"

He turned to me and placed his hand over his heart, with a mock hurt expression on his face.

"Isabella! I would never do that! I'm a gentleman!"

I snorted. "Gentleman my foot! You, James Nicholas Cottee, are not, I repeat _not_ a gentleman! You are, in fact, a goddamn perv!"

He laughed and grabbed me and pulled me to him.

"I am not a perv!" he laughed.

"Urgh! You so are! I saw you staring when Tasha pulled my bikini bottoms down that time!"

"I was 17! What was I supposed to do?! I was a horny 17 year old boy, and there was this oh so sexy 17 year old girl, half naked in front of me! It would have been an insult not to look!" he cried indignantly.

I just fell about laughing. James was a great friend.

Maybe because he reminded me of Emmett so much. The same filthy mind and crude jokes.

_Oh Emmett. I still miss you. Always have._

As we walked off stage I felt people staring at me.

Jessica and the skank brigade were watching me and sneering at me.

And Edward. Edward was glaring at me. But for some reason he looked hurt as well.

_I don't see why. You're the one who broke my heart and destroyed my trust in people._

I decided that it didn't matter.

It's not like I'll really see him again.

We'll have different lectures and won't even cross each other's paths.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Bella's a bitch! Woot!**

**Damn straight she should be.**

**Ok, so I have a playlist for this chappie.**

**--**

**Escapist – NightWish.**

**It's The Fear – Within Temptation**

**Heaven's a Lie – Lacuna Coil**

**Rip Out the Wings of a Butterfly – HIM**

**Don't Stop Dancing – Creed**

**Save Up All Your Tears – Cher**

**Angels – Within Temptation**

**Who Knew – Pink**

**Without You – Anna Tsuchiya**

**If you've never heard the songs, check em out. Especially Angels and Without You.**

**They are perfect for this chapter and this story.**

**(Without You is actually where the title of the story came from.)**

**I suggest you listen to both songs when they appear in the story.**

**Hope you liked this chappie, sweethearts.**

**It's quite a long one.**

**~ ULTRAnumb**


	5. I Dreamed A Dream

**B POV**

Edward was here. At the same college as me.

So where all the people who made my life in Forks hell.

_This can't be happening!_ I thought as I sobbed, lying in bed.

I had come so far. I was finally starting to be happy again. After everything that had happened, I had thought I would never reach this point.

_Stop crying!_ I ordered myself._ Stop fucking crying, damn it! You can't let him do this to you! You can't let him destroy what you've worked so hard for! You're better than all that now! So buck up, and dry your eyes! You aren't Izzy anymore! You aren't a little cry-baby. You are a smart, talented, beautiful young woman, and you will not let the past hurt you again!_

I sat up and scrubbed at my eyes roughly.

Tasha was fast asleep. I didn't want to wake her up. I crept to the bathroom and got myself a drink of water. I sat back on my bed and took deep breaths.

I pushed up all my walls again. I wouldn't let Edward or any of the others hurt me anymore.

I lay back down in bed and pulled the covers over me.

Tomorrow is the start of my college life. I will never have to see them again.

I will be in different classes to them, so I won't have to see them again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I jumped up the next morning, eager to get to my first class.

It was quite chilly out so I washed and then dressed in a cute, reddish brown suede skirt which ended just below my knees, a dark green turtle neck jumper with three quarter length sleeves, and a pair of beige heeled boots which came half way up my shin. I pulled my hair into loose pigtails and put on my usual, small amount of make-up.

Tasha and I walked out of our dorm and headed to meet James, as we were all in the same music lecture this morning. We were all so excited.

We walked in a sat near the back of the class. We don't misbehave, especially in music, but we did often pass notes.

After a while the rest of the class arrived, followed by the lecturer.

"Hey class! I'm Julian Precey, but you can call me Julian."

"Oooo," Tasha whispered to me, "he's rather yummy for a lecturer!"

"Eyes away, Tash. Eyes away." I laughed quietly.

"So," Julian said, "I'm gonna call out your names, and I want you to raise your hand so that I can mark down where you are sitting, so I can learn your names."

He started reading out the list and we watched to see who people were.

"Cullen, Edward?" Julian called out.

I almost fell off my chair in shock, and would have if James hadn't of caught me and steadied me.

"Here." I heard a smooth, velvety voice say, and watched as he raised his hand from the second row.

Next to him were Jessica, Tyler, Mike, Jane and Tanya.

_Oh, fuck no!_

I swallowed and clenched my hands into fists.

"Hey, you ok, Bella?" James asked me gently.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm ok."

James knew all about Edward and the others, and had often expressed a wish to, and I quote, "beat the crap out of that Cullen asshole, for hurting a little sweetie like you."

He had also been informed of them being here after the gig.

He now glared in Edward's direction and ground his teeth.

"Swan, Isabella?" Julian asked.

I saw Edward's head jerk up, and he started looking around the room.

"Here." I called, hoping my voice was clear and confident.

Edward turned and looked directly at me as I answered.

I took a breath and stared straight at him. I wouldn't be intimidated by him.

"Ok, now, who can play any instruments or sing?" Julian queried.

I raised my hand along with Tasha, James and about another five people in the class, including Edward and Jessica.

"Miss...Swan?" Julian asked, "What can you play?"

I coughed slightly to clear my throat.

"Ummm, I play guitar, violin, drums, flute and piano. And I sing."

"A very accomplished young lady, then?" Julian asked with a happy smile.

I blushed and looked down at the desk.

"Yeah, she is." Tasha grinned. "But I think she's best at playing piano and violin. And the singing. But those are her best instruments. And that's saying something, cos she kicks ass on guitar!"

Julian laughed and then asked the other people with their hands in the air what they played.

Jessica was apparently a singer, and Edward played guitar.

_Whatever happened to piano?_ I thought to myself._ He always used to play that. I guess it wasn't 'cool' enough._

Julian asked Jessica to stand up and sing for the class. And oh, my god, I wanted to rip my ears off! It was horrendous. James threw himself sideways at me and tried to bury his head in my chest to block out the sound!

Even Edward shuddered.

"Thank you Jessica!" Julian said, with a forced smile. "Isabella? You are the other singer in the class; would you come and sing for us please?"

I gulped. It was one thing to sing onstage with the rest of the band, but to sing in front of the class alone, with no music? That was something else.

"Sure." I said, giving him a sweet smile, "and please, I prefer Bella."

"Bella, sorry." he smiled.

I stood up and walked to the front of the class nervously.

"What would you like me to sing?" I asked.

"Anything you like, dear. Whatever takes your fancy."

I thought for a moment, before I found the perfect song to sing.

I took a breath and started to sing I Dreamed a Dream, from Les Misérables.

_**There was a time when men were kind  
When their voices were soft  
And their words inviting  
There was a time when love was blind  
And the world was a song  
And the song was exciting  
There was a time  
Then it all went wrong**_

I glanced at Tasha and James and saw them both grinning at me and giving me a thumbs up.

_**I dreamed a dream in time gone by  
When hope was high  
And life worth living  
I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving  
Then I was young and unafraid  
And dreams were made and used and wasted  
There was no ransom to be paid  
No song unsung, no wine un-tasted**_

The rest of the class were watching and listening with wide eyes.

_**But the tigers come at night  
With their voices soft as thunder  
As they tear your hope apart  
And they turn your dream to shame**_

Julian was staring at me in blatant awe.

_**He slept a summer by my side  
He filled my days with endless wonder  
He took my childhood in his stride  
But he was gone when autumn came**_

And still I dream he'll come to me  
That we will live the years together  
But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are storms we cannot weather

Jessica was staring at me in pure hatred and jealousy.

_**I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed**_

I looked over at Edward he was watching me with an almost curious look on his face.

This song had always reminded me of him. Of how much he had hurt me. So I stared right into his eyes as I took a breath to sing the last line.

_**Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.**_

As I finished the whole class burst into cheers and claps, except Jessica and her friends.

Edward though, he looked as though he wanted to. He looked sad again.

"Wow!" Julian cried, "Just, wow! What a beautiful voice!"

"Thank you." I murmured, blushing again.

I quickly scampered back to my table and hid behind James.

By the time the lecture finished, the whole class was in stitches. Julian was an amazing teacher. He certainly knew his music, and was serious about the subject, but he was funny and playful at the same time.

I bounced up with Tasha and James to leave the class.

"Bella?" Julian called as we past.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say again, how wonderful your voice is. It's so powerful for someone so small."

"Thank you."

"You must practice a lot."

"I do. I practice all my instruments a lot too. I make sure to practice each at least three or four hours a week."

"Four hours a week on each instrument? My word! That's what? Twenty-four hours a week practicing!"

"Yep. I want to be good at them, and it makes me really happy to play. I love practicing. I have ever since I started learning. I've never seen it as a chore. It's what I love doing."

"How long have you played for?"

"Well, I started playing piano and guitar when I was 14, then I started having singing lessons when I was 15, I started violin the same time and started drums and flute about a year ago."

"Wow. I _am_ impressed! How well educated are you musically? What do you listen to?" he asked curiously.

"Most anything." I answered. "I love rock and metal, but I also love 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's, I like a bit of country, some jazz, bits of blues, swing, reggae, musicals and classical."

"Goodness!" Julian laughed, "You certainly have a wide range of musical tastes!"

"Yeah, my mum loves the older stuff, and my step-dad loves rock and metal. He introduced me to it all."

"What was the first rock or metal band he played for you?"

"Iron Maiden. I love them! Then it was Metallica, and we just went from there!" I chuckled.

"Christ. You have some great taste in bands! I love pretty much all rock and metal too."

"Have you ever heard of Within Temptation or NightWish?"

"No I haven't. What are they like?"

"They are both operatic metal really. Well, NightWish more so, or at least used to be until they got a new singer. I'm often told that I sound a lot like the singer of Within Temptation. We both have quite classical sounding voices."

"Hmm. They sound interesting. I'll have to check them out at some point."

"Well, I could lend you their CD's anytime. I have them all." I offered.

"That would be great! Thank you." Julian grinned at me.

He was a really great guy. Too bad he was my teacher! Oh well, I would be happy just to be able to talk to him like this.

"No worries. I'll bring a couple with me next lesson if you like?"

"Please. And thanks again."

After saying goodbye, I left the class to catch up with James and Tash, only to walk into Jessica, Jane and Tanya.

"Look what we've got here. Fat baby Izzy."

"Hmm. Well, I'm not exactly fat, I'm not a baby, and I'm not called Izzy anymore, so that insult has no affect on me whatsoever." I answered with a taunting smile.

"You think you're so great don't you? Just cos you're in a shitty Goth band and the music lecturer thinks you have talent."

"Uhhh....we're not a Goth band, we're a rock or metal band. It's quite different. None of us wear just black and only James has any tattoos."

"Whatever, bitch." Jessica sneered, shoving me against the wall.

"Jessica if I were you – thank fuck I'm not! – I'd let go of me right now."

"Oh yeah, and why's that _Izzy_?"

"Because unless you want that perfect face of yours to get bruised, then it would be a very sensible thing to do."

"Yeah right."

"Jessica, I haven't only learnt to play a couple of instruments since I left Forks."

She scoffed and her friends laughed.

"I've also done a lot of karate and kick boxing."

"Have you really?" she said, sounding bored.

"Yep. In fact, I've won several awards for each of them. I was the under 18 Thai kick boxing US Champion when I was 17. So believe me, I can _make_ you let go of me, if you don't do so by choice."

Jessica spat in my face. I turned my head away from her, closed my eyes and sucked my tongue between my teeth.

"Not a smart move, Stanley."

She laughed in my face and pushed me harder against the wall.

"Jessica!" I heard a voice snap angrily.

I opened my eyes and looked up to see an angry Edward walking down the hall towards us.

"Eddie! You made me jump!" Jessica simpered. "Come to watch me put Swan in her place?"

"No. Now move."

"What? Why?"

"Just move, Jessica. The others are waiting for you. And you two. Go." he ordered gruffly.

Jessica and the others slouched off, looking annoyed.

"What, you wanted them to go so that you could take over instead?" I hissed.

Edward looked shocked for a moment before he glared at me.

"No, I told them to go so that they would leave you alone."

"Yeah, cos you've always wanted what's best for me haven't you?"

"I was trying to help you." he growled.

"I don't need your help, Cullen. Believe it or not, I've learnt to defend myself."

"Bella!" I heard James' voice call.

I turned slightly to see him striding towards us.

When he reached me he put his arm around my shoulder.

"You ok, babes?"

"Yeah, I'm fine honey."

Edward looked furious at the way James was touching me.

"You can defend yourself?" he scoffed, "Or your boyfriend can defend you?"

"No, I think I was right first time. I can defend myself."

"So he is your boyfriend?"

"Why? What does it matter to you if he is or not?! You gave up any right to an opinion on my life the day you fucking stabbed me in the back!" I yelled angrily.

Edward looked like he wanted to argue but James stepped forwards. I grabbed his hand to stop him.

"James, go on. I'll be right there."

He looked as though he wanted to argue, but he stepped back and started walking down the hall slowly.

"Izzy.."

"My name is Bella now. I'm not that girl anymore. And you have no say in what I do in my life. So just leave me alone Cullen. You _chose_ to give up the right to have any say in my life. Remember?"

He looked away and glared at the wall.

"And yes." I said softly as I started to turn away. "I can defend myself. It was something I had to learn the day I discovered that I couldn't even trust my best friend to defend me."

I walked away, but not before I saw the look on Edward's face.

_I must be seeing things._ I thought to myself.

What other explanation could there be for what I had seen on his face?

I caught up to James and gave him a sad smile. He didn't say anything, he just pulled me to his side and held me as we kept walking.

I couldn't get the look on Edward's face out of my head. I must have been seeing things, because it couldn't be what I thought it had been. It had looked like _guilt_.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Voila! Another chappie for you my dears!**

**What did you think?**

**Please review. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you do!**

**LOL!**

**(Btw, when I finish the story, I will be putting up a list of the songs I used to write this.)**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	6. Behind These Hazel Eyes

**Thanks for all the reviews guys! Glad you like the story so much!**

**I am SO sorry that this took so long to get up! I've been really busy and, when I do get time to work on it, I end up with writers block on ALL my stories.**

**Stupid writers block!**

**Again, I am SO sorry. I will try to update asap to make up for it!**

**(Btw, just to clarify, we like James in this story. He's a sweetie, just a bit pervy at the same time! LOL! Although he does like Bella, he knows that nothing will ever happen between them, and just loves her like a sister. Just wanted to make sure people got that, cos he comes across a little bit pervy at times, but in this story it's all a joke. He does it to piss the girls off and make them laugh.)**

**B POV**

It had been two weeks since my confrontation with Edward.

Every time we saw each other he would slouch down slightly, almost as though he didn't want me to see him.

I have both my music and my literature classes with him. Luckily it's only him in Literature, but that's still bad enough.

Also, we have a seating plan in that lecture, and guess where we are? That's right. We are seated next to each other. We never speak a word to one another though, and I like it like that.

I have had a chance to really look at him though.

And I have to say, he looks dreadful. I don't understand why. His cheeks are pretty hollow, but not in the sexy way. Just....sunken. His eyes are the same and he always seems to have shadows under his eyes. His sink has always been pale, but now it just looks sallow.

I had no idea what was going on with him, but he didn't look how I had always imagined he would at this sort of age. He was handsome, don't get me wrong. But not the way I thought he would be. He looked as though he had been really ill. He had always been such a good looking boy, even as a child. People used to say that he would be a little heartbreaker when he was older.

_He had certainly proved them right there. He broke my heart._

I walked into my last Literature lecture of the week. It was also the last lecture before the weekend.

I sighed as I sat down in my chair at the back of the class. Edward wasn't here yet.

Fifteen minutes into the lecture Edward still hadn't turned up. Suddenly the door swung open and Edward stalked in.

He murmured his apology to the lecturer and then, after the lecturer nodded, headed to our desk.

He dropped into the seat next to me and pulled his book out of his bag.

He sat with it closed in front of him. I realised he didn't know what we were supposed to be doing so I leaned over to speak to him quietly.

"We're reading chapter 26 and then we need to answer these questions." I explained quietly, moving the question sheet so that it was between us.

He looked up at me with wide eyes, looking shocked.

_I wonder why he's so shocked?_

_Maybe cos this is the first time in two weeks that you've actually acknowledged the fact that he exists?_

_Oh yeah._

He nodded slowly.

"Thank you." he murmured softly.

He looked back down at his book and turned to the page I told him.

I moved my bag onto the desk to get a new pen out, as the one I was using just died on me, and saw Edward glance at the badges on the front.

I had one that Lacey had bought for me. It said 'Sex, drugs and rock and roll.' Above drugs was the word 'love'. Lacey had seen it and had to buy it for me, knowing how much I loved the phrase, except the drugs part, so having that part struck out and 'love' in its place, was perfect for me.

I also had a 'Just Say No' badge and several other badges to the effect of 'drugs are bad'. Edward swallowed as he looked at them, and looked a little sick.

He turned away before resting his forehead on the desk.

I wanted to say something, but didn't know what.

I watched worriedly as he breathed deeply. I bit my lip and decided to see if he was ok.

"Are you alright?" I asked gently.

He lifted his head slightly from the table and looked at me with his once soulful eyes, now so dull and lost.

"Uhhh....yeah. I'm fine." he murmured.

"You look dreadful. No offense."

"None taken." he mumbled.

I chewed on my lip and looked at him carefully.

In all the time I had known him, he had never been a sick child. He only really got colds. And they were never really man colds either. He usually just faked it so as to get sympathy out of me. That and loads of cuddles and fuss.

I couldn't help the sad smile that spread across my face, or the tear that ran down my cheek as I looked away from him. He had meant so much to me back then. And I had always believed he felt the same about me. He had certainly always told me as much.

I swallowed thickly and tried desperately to force the tears back. I hadn't cried about him in so long. I had always pushed the pain and misery deep down inside me and locked it away. I couldn't let it out now. Not sitting in the middle of class next to him.

I jumped as I felt a light touch on my arm.

I jolted up and turned to look at Edward.

He had lifted up in his seat slightly, and was staring at me thoughtfully and almost anxiously, his head tilted to one side.

"Are you ok?" he asked carefully, pulling his hand away from me slowly, almost regretfully.

"Yeah." I gasped, swallowing. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just thinking."

"Oh." He murmured. "You just looked really sad all of a sudden. Like you were about to cry."

Damn him. He had always been able to see through my bullshit. Even after all this time, all that had happened, he could still see through me instantly.

I lifted my eyes to his and held his gaze.

"Well, I've had a pretty big reason to cry the last six years."

I felt a stab of guilt as he jolted away from me and quickly looked away.

I thought, two weeks ago that I had been imagining the look on his face. But today, I couldn't even begin to tell myself that. His feelings had been so evident on his face and in his eyes this time. The look I just saw was a mixture of guilt and utter sorrow.

We didn't talk to each other for the rest of the lecture, and I couldn't bring myself to look at him again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night the gang decided to hang out at the Student Bar.

We laughed and joked as we drank.

I danced with the girls while James and Jake kept an eye on us, and when guys came up to try and get with us, they would run up and grab us. Well, mostly they grabbed the others. Me? They knew that I could handle myself pretty well!

As I sat with them and chatted, I looked around to see what else was going on.

I spotted Edward in the corner, but I didn't pay any attention.

That is, until my mind caught up with what I had just seen.

Sitting in the dark corner at the back of the bar with his friends, Edward was holding what looked like a needle.

I almost fell off my stool when I saw him inject something into his arms.

At first I couldn't understand what I was seeing, but after a moment I understood perfectly what was happening.

He was taking drugs.

Edward Cullen was a drug addict.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Awww, poor Bella. She still misses him. And crap, did anyone actually see that coming? With Edward being a druggie now, I mean?**

**Anyway, gonna be a big change in Edward next chappie.**

**(and no, Bella will **_**not**_** be dating either Jacob or James. This is, as always, an Edward and Bella story. That will never change in my stories. Ever. I'm just a sucker for Edward and Bella being together. They are just so adorable!!)**

**As always, please clickeh the little green button!**

**Even if it's just for shits and giggles! LOL!**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	7. Dark Wings

**Ok, so someone said that they didn't get this. Why Edward being a druggie was important, or why Bella should help him. Believe me, in the next couple of chapters, everything will be explained and hopefully people will understand why it is important.**

**B POV**

Edward was a drug addict.

Edward took drugs.

Drugs.

I walked quickly after I left the club a few hours later. The others had wanted to stay even longer, but it was already past midnight, and I needed to get some sleep. I still couldn't believe that Edward was a druggie! All his life he had said that drugs were bad. That he would never take them. And yet, here he was, nineteen years old doing drugs in the back alley of a nightclub.

_Did he really change so much that he turned his back on all his beliefs?! How long has he been taking them?_

I couldn't comprehend what had made Edward decide to start taking drugs. There seemed to be nothing left of my once best friend anymore. I never saw him with a book, so I didn't understand why he took Literature. I never heard him talk about playing piano. Or loving classical music or rock and metal.

He was just another clone. A drug taking, chain smoking, backstabbing, hateful clone.

My Edward was gone forever. He was everything he had always insisted he would never become.

I could hardly imagine what Esme and Carlisle must think of what he's become!

I walked out into the alley, and stopped when I heard someone struggling to breath.

I rushed around the corner to check that they were ok and froze.

Edward was lying slumped against the bins and was shaking all over. His breathing was laboured and slow. I stared in horror as he seemed unable to get up.

Suddenly I didn't care what he had done to me. Something was seriously wrong and there was no one there to help him.

I ran to him and dropped to my knees next to him.

His skin looked even more sallow than usual, and his lips were turning blue.

I quickly put my small amount of first aid training to use and grabbed his wrist to check his pulse. I could hardly feel it.

"Edward? Edward, can you hear me?"

He didn't answer or even look at me.

I quickly helped him into the recovery position while pulling out my cell phone out.

As I called an ambulance I carefully checked that nothing was blocking Edward's throat and stopping him from breathing.

I sat and stroked his hair, talking to him in an effort to keep him conscious.

Yeah, call me an idiot, but no matter how much he had hurt me, I couldn't just leave him here in this state, to die. I wasn't a vengeful person, and I hated seeing people in pain. That was why I had had to ask if he was ok in class today.

"Don't die. You hear me? Don't die. Whatever you did to me, I still don't want you to die."

I bit my lip as I watched him and he opened his eyes and looked at me. I knew he wasn't fully there, but I saw shock flash across his face when he saw me.

"Anyway," I carried on, simply to keep him focused on me and awake, "you got all pissy when I wouldn't talk to you and looked down in the dumps. Why? You want to apologise or something?"

I gasped as he grabbed hold of my hand. His palm was sweaty and his grip was weak, but he still held on.

"Well then," I started, "don't you die on me. Don't you dare. You wanna make your peace? Then don't you dare die on me!"

As the ambulance pulled up, I moved aside for them to get him onto the stretcher.

"Miss, are you wanting to come with him?"

How could I not? I had to at least make sure he was ok, didn't I?

"Yes. Please."

I was helped up into the back of the ambulance and sat quietly at Edward's side as we sped to the hospital.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once we reached the hospital I was asked to stay in the waiting room while they did what they needed to do in order to save Edward.

They had asked me if I knew anything, and I'd told them that I had seen him taking drugs earlier. When they had asked me if I knew what drugs, I had been able to tell them. I almost wished that I hadn't been able to tell them anything. That I hadn't seen him slowly killing himself.

I sat in the waiting room breathing deeply and praying that he would survive.

No matter what he had done to me, he still didn't deserve to die. The only people who deserved to die were those who had murdered someone else, or had abused or murdered a child. While Edward may have become someone I didn't recognise, I doubted he had done anything like that.

"Miss Swan?" I heard a nurse call, "Your friend is awake."

"Thank you." I didn't see any point in explaining that he wasn't my friend.

I walked slowly to the room the nurse pointed me to.

I gulped before I walked in.

Edward was lying on the bed, propped up and looking half dead.

He tilted his head when he heard me step into the room.

He gasped as he saw who it was.

"What are you doing here?" he asked weakly.

"Don't worry. I'm not stopping long. I just wanted to check you were alive." I answered coldly.

"Check I was alive?"

"Yeah. You may be heartless, but I'm not. I'm the one who found you after you overdosed. No matter what you did to me, no one deserves to die like that."

"Oh." he mumbled.

"Yeah. Well, seeing as you're clearly alive, I'm gonna go. If I see Jessica or the others I'll let em know where you are."

"Thanks. For bringing me here, I mean. You didn't have to."

"'Didn't have to'?! You were dying! Why the fuck wouldn't I have to?!"

"I mean you, personally didn't have to. You had no reason to."

"What do you mean 'no reason'?"

"It's not like you have any loyalty to me. I was the reason you left Forks, so you would have been well within your rights to not bother bringing me here."

For some reason that just really pissed me off and made me snap.

"WELL MAYBE I FIND IT HARDER TO TURN MY BACK ON THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP THAN YOU DID!" I screamed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you fucking dense, Cullen?! You know what? You're right. I didn't have to. Not after what you fucking did to me!"

Edward glared at me.

"Doesn't look to me like any of that even bothered you."

"What?!" I screeched, "Didn't bother me?! You didn't see what I became! You didn't see me in hospital almost dying of hypothermia after I spent eight fucking hours in the storm after I ran away from you the day you stabbed me in the back and broke my heart! You didn't see me crying until I couldn't breathe! You haven't seen how hard it is for me to let people in or trust them! I love my friends, but I still don't trust them completely, because how can I?! How can I trust people I've only known for five years, when I couldn't even trust you after thirteen fucking years?! Yeah, I was finally starting to be honestly happy! Why do you think I learnt all those instruments? Yeah, I love music, but I did it so I had something to do! So I didn't have to think about you or what you did to me!"

Edward flinched under the fury and pain in my voice.

I started to wish that I hadn't found him in the alley. So that I didn't have to see him now and hear the things he was saying.

"You know what? Forget it. It's not like you're suddenly gonna give a shit. You didn't back then, so why should you now?"

I turned to leave. I couldn't stay there anymore.

"Izzy....."

I glanced over my shoulder, and was shocked to see Edward reaching his hand towards me. But I wouldn't let my guard down for one second around him though.

"It's Bella now. Not Izzy. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm stronger, tougher and braver now. I suppose, in some twisted way, I have you to thank for that. If you hadn't shown me that I can't rely on anyone to protect me or stay there for me, I would have still been weak and pathetic."

"Bella....wait." he whispered.

"No, Edward. Just...I can't. I can't even stand to be near you after what you did to me."

I turned and walked out of the room, not looking back.

As I walked away, I heard Edward calling my name.

I swallowed, praying that I could hold my tears until I got back to my dorm room.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**So, there you go.**

**I don't know about other people, but even if I saw someone who treated me like shit and made my school life hell, lying in an alley in pain or dying, I would still be unable to just walk away and let them die.**

**Maybe it's just me, but I just couldn't do it. No matter what they did to me in the past.**

**Anyway, I told you I'd get a chappie up quickly! Hope you like it!**

**(Oh, and people have asked for a chappie in Edward's POV, but I don't think I will ever do one in this story. I am thinking of maybe writing this story again from his point of view though. You will, however, get an insight into Edward's mind in the next chappie or so. I will say nothing more about it though. Don't want to ruin it!)**

**Hope you enjoyed this chappie, darlings!**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	8. If Today Was Your Last Day

**B POV**

I lay in bed the next morning, with my back to Tasha. I really didn't have the energy to talk to anyone just yet. I was still too upset over what had happened with Edward.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just kind of went through the motions the next couple of days. I knew my friends were worried, but I didn't know what to say to them. I had told them what had happened, but I hadn't told them about what had been said. That wasn't important. Not for anyone other than myself. I hadn't seen Edward at all since Friday at the hospital.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was running across campus in the rain to get to my dorm on Monday when I ran into someone.

"I am so sorry!" I cried. "I wasn't looking were I was going."

"Don't worry about it." a sweet, high voice said. "I was busy bouncing around to pay attention to people passing!"

I pushed my hair back from my face a gasped.

Before me was a short girl with short black hair. But it was the bright blue eyes and the small mouth that caught my attention. Standing in front of me was Alice Cullen.

"Alice?" I whispered in shock.

She frowned at me.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"You did. About six years ago."

She tilted her head to one side and looked at me carefully.

"Think short chubby girl with dull short brown hair." I suggested. "Always tagged around with your younger brother."

Her eyes widened and her mouth fell into a little 'o' shape.

"Izzy?!"

"Hi Alice."

"Little Izzy Swan! Oh my god!"

She jumped forward and grabbed me into a tight hug.

She pulled back and held me at arm's length to look at me.

"Izzy! You're all grown up!"

"I am. And it's not Izzy anymore. It's Bella."

"Bella? What made you change it? You always wanted to be called Izzy. You always said that Bella was too girly."

"Yeah, but I grew up and I changed. I needed to start over, and changing my name was a good way to do that."

"Wow. Just, wow! I'm so happy to see you again!" she cried happily.

She pulled me back into a tight hug.

"I missed you so much, sweetie! What happened to you? You just disappeared!"

I swallowed, unsure of what to say.

"Umm...I had an argument with Edward....I couldn't stay in Forks after that. I was just starting to get my life together, and then I got here and the first night I find out that he's here too."

Alice shocked me by suddenly bursting into tears. I was just about to hug her when someone wrapped their arms around her.

I looked up to see a tall man with longish blonde hair and blue eyes.

He was extremely good looking.

"Alice, darlin', what's wrong?" he cooed to her.

She just sobbed in his arms.

"What did you do to her?!" he cried angrily at me.

"I....I- I don't know!" I stuttered. "I told her about her what happened to make me leave Forks a few years ago, and that I was upset to find out that her younger brother was here too...."

I trailed off as I saw her beautiful face collapse in sorrow.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Edward." she sniffled.

"What about him?" I asked nervously.

"He ran away."

"Ran...what?"

"About two years after you left, when he was sixteen. He had a huge argument with mom and dad. He threw a few things in a bag in the night and moved out. By that point I was already here, so I didn't know about it until mom called me, sobbing and in hysterics. When I went down there, I saw him once. From a distance. He saw me too, but he didn't try and speak to me."

"Where was he living? Do you know?"

"With Mike Newton as far as we know."

"Wow. So, have you seen him since?"

"No. Never."

"Oh." I honestly didn't know what to say.

"He's....he's...really...here?" she whispered.

"Yeah. He's in a couple of classes with me."

"He didn't even try to contact me. He didn't let me know! He knew I came here, but he didn't want to talk to me!"

"Alice, I'm _so _sorry! I honestly had no idea! I guess I'm not the only one he hurt though."

Alice took a deep breath and turned around in the man's arms to look at me.

"What did he do to you Bella? What did he do that made you leave?" she asked sadly.

"I...uhh...well, I don't wanna talk about it here. Plus, it's still raining."

"Yeah. Umm, well, if you wanna get dried off and change, would you meet me in the student cafe, so we can talk? I really have missed you, sweetie. I was so upset when you just left."

"I'm sorry Alice. I didn't mean to hurt you. Or anyone. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And yes, I'd like that."

She gave me a smile and kissed my cheek.

"Come on, Ali, let's go get you cleaned up." the stranger said.

"Yeah. Oh!" she gasped, "Bella, this is Jasper, my fiancée! Jazz, this is the girl I told you about, Izzy. Well, Bella now, but still."

"Nice to meet you Bella." He said in a smooth Southern accent, "Sorry for yelling at you, I just can't stand to see my Ali upset."

"It's nice to meet you too Jasper. And don't worry about it. I always used to hate seeing her upset too."

He smiled at me and shook my hand.

"Now, seriously ladies, I think we should all be getting out of the rain!" he laughed.

"Definitely. I really don't want a cold! I'll see you in about an hour?"

"Perfect. I'll see you soon, sweetie."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got back to my dorm and had a shower and got changed. I couldn't believe that Alice was here. She looked so different. I still remembered the cute sixteen year old with long caramel hair and a brace. I wondered when she had cut her hair so short and dyed it.

I headed down to the student cafe and met Alice there.

We sat and chatted for hours and I explained what he had done that made me unable to stay in Forks.

To say Alice was pissed was an understatement. She wanted to rip him apart for it, yelling that I had been his friend for years and that it was the worst possible betrayal. She said that she had always been so sure that we would be together one day. She had always believed that we were made for each other.

When she asked me if I had seen Edward that day I knew that I had to tell her the truth. I didn't tell her that he had overdosed on drugs, but I told her that the last time I'd seen him was in hospital and that I hadn't seen or heard from him since.

Just as she was about to head to the hospital, Jessica and Jane walked past.

I walked back to my dorm and spent the night listening to music before falling into a restless sleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to a squeal outside the door.

"Bellarina! Open up! You gotta see this!"

I groaned and dropt me head back to my bed and pulled the covers up.

After a moment I heard Tasha yawning and stretching in the other bed before getting up and opening the door.

"Holy shit..." she muttered. "Bellarina, you have _really_ got to see this.

I groaned again and sat up, just as Tash and Lacey carried in a huge bunch of flowers and placed them in front of me.

"What -?"

"Read the note, girl."

I picked up the card on the flowers and read it.

_Please read the letter attached._

It was unsigned.

I looked at the flowers. White roses and freesias.

I pulled out the letter and unfolded it.

_Isabella,_

_First of all, thank you. For saving me the other night, and for staying with me. I'm sorry for worrying you and then upsetting you._

_But mostly, I'm sorry for breaking your heart._

_I don't even know what to say to you._

_I was an ass. A fool. I was a bastard and I don't deserve even the least bit of civility from you._

_And yet still you gave it. Even when you would have had every right to deny it me._

_As soon as those last words were out of my mouth six years ago, I wanted to die. To ignore you was one thing, but to be so cruel and heartless was another. To be so viciously nasty to the best thing in my life is unforgivable. So believe me when I say, I will never ask for your forgiveness. I know I will never deserve it._

_I wish I could take everything back. I wish I could have stood up to Jessica._

_Though I have no right to ask for any trust in me, please believe that at the time, I only wanted what was best for you._

_I know that is hard to believe, but it's the truth._

_When you went away that summer, I was walking one day and heard Jessica and the others talking about you and trying to come up with new ways to hurt you. I told them to stay away from you. That you had never done anything to them. They wouldn't listen. And I had heard what they had been saying. What they had planned. I couldn't let them hurt you like that. I told Jessica I'd do anything, if only they'd not carry out their plan. It was a mistake. She told me that the only way she would not do it, was if I started dating her, and if I stopped being friends with you._

_I couldn't even bring myself to say no. Not when I knew what they wanted to do to you._

_I wanted to explain, so much. The first day back at school, when you ran and hugged me, it took everything in me not to hug back. But I knew that if I did, I would have broken the deal with Jessica. I thought it was better that way._

_I knew you weren't going to let go, and I knew that you had to, to make it easier. Not just on you, but on me too. If I didn't see the pain in your eyes every time you tried to speak to me and I ignored you, I would be able to hold my end of the bargain. So I lied. And I was cruel. I thought I was doing the whole 'cruel to be kind' thing. But I guess it backfired on me._

_When you didn't come back to school I was terrified. I had no idea what had happened to you. Your dad refused to even speak to me, and threatened to shoot me._

_I am so sorry. For all the pain I caused you. I truly never meant to hurt you._

_I know now that I should have told your dad instead of trying to make a deal with Jessica. As I said, I'm a fool. I was then, and I am now._

_I doubt you will believe any of this, but I assure you it's the truth._

_I want you to know that I have never stopped thinking about you._

_And to find that you were at the same college as me, I saw it as my chance to make amends. To finally do right by you._

_I hope I have managed it._

_I doubt you'll ever speak to me again, so I will simply say,_

_You have always been, and will always be, in my heart my Izzy-bee,_

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

I finished reading, and realised that I was sobbing.

I pulled the letter to my chest as I broke down and fell to my side on the bed.

He doubted I'd believe it. I should have, but it was so heartfelt and honestly written, that I couldn't not believe it. And there were tear stains on the page too. Some of the letters blurred by the drops. Because of that, I couldn't doubt the truth of it. Edward had been crying and hurting as he wrote this.

I had been crying almost the whole time I'd been reading, but it was the last line that had truly struck me. To have used my old nickname, to show that he had never forgotten me. That was the most heart wrenching thing about the letter. That, and the fact that he said he would never ask for my forgiveness.

I was more confused than ever before.

I knew I still cared deeply for him, I had never been able to truly hate him, and now to know that he still cared for me.

I didn't know what to do.

All I knew was that this letter would forever be my most treasured possession.

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Woot! Two chappies in one day....ish, seeing as it's half one in the morning for me! LOL!**

**What did you think guys?**

**Did you find the letter sad?**

**And what about Alice coming back into the story?**

**Please let me know what you thought, darlings!**

**~ULTRAnumb.**

**x**


	9. Looking Up

**B POV**

I walked slowly to my literature class. Three days had passed since I'd received Edward's letter. I hadn't seen or spoken to him. I didn't know what I'd say. All this time I'd thought he had just hated me, and hadn't wanted to be friends with the ugly, unpopular little girl anymore.

Now I found out that he'd done what he had to try and protect me from Jessica and her friends.

Although I had no idea what they had been planning to do to me, I still knew, in my heart, that he was telling the truth. The tear stains on the page were evidence of that.

I stood outside the classroom, nervous to go in there in case Edward was there.

_Oh this is silly. Just go in there!_ I told myself angrily.

I took a deep breath, pushed the door open and stepped in.

Edward was sitting at our desk, slumped over it.

I walked up slowly and carefully.

As I sat down I saw that he was drawing on a piece of scrap paper. It looked like he was drawing a pair of eyes.

I swallowed, took another deep breath and licked my lips.

"Hi." I whispered shyly.

Edward's head shot up, he bounced up in his seat and he dropped his pencil on the floor.

He quickly leant down to pick it up and fumbled with it.

I couldn't help the little giggle that escaped my lips at how clumsy he suddenly was. It was exactly like the time I had kissed his cheek on Valentine's Day when we were nine and he had left a little teddy bear in my locker for me. He had gotten so silly that day and had started blushing and become all shy.

He finally managed to right himself in his seat after getting his pencil and gave a small embarrassed cough.

He kept facing forwards but peeked at me out of the corner of his eyes. He had a small frown on his face, clearly unsure of why I was speaking to him.

I bit my lip as I thought of what to say.

"Thank you. For the letter."

"Oh. Umm…you're welcome, I guess."

_Geez, again with the cute embarrassment._

I watched as he took a breath before turning to look at me slightly.

"I know it doesn't change anything. I was a jackass. I should have handled everything so much better."

"It's nice to know though, after all these years."

He tilted his head at me and gave a small smirk.

"What?" I asked, curious.

"Nothing, you just sound like Tevye and Golde from Fiddler on the Roof, when they're wondering if they love each other, and how, even though it doesn't really matter after all that time, it's still nice to know."

I couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled from me.

"You still remember that?! Christ, the last time we watched that film together we were about seven!"

"Hey, it was a great film and had catchy songs!" he cried with mock indignation.

I raised my eyebrow at him.

"It's not the kind of film you ever forget." he added solemnly, before giving me a small impish grin.

I grinned back at him.

I sighed and we turned serious again as I reached out to touch the back of his hand softly.

"Seriously though, thank you. It means a lot that you took the time to write it and try to explain things to me. It's easier than believing that you hate me."

He looked down, miserably, and turned his hand over so that he could hold mine.

"I've never hated you. How could I? No matter how I was acting, even when I was being a miserable fuck, you were always there for me. When I was upset about something, you were always the one to make me feel better. It never even mattered to you what you where feeling. Like the time I convinced you to climb that tree and you fell out. I was crying because I got you hurt, and even though you had cuts on your arms and legs, you still crawled over to me and hugged me. You kept telling me it wasn't my fault. You just laughed and said it was your lack of balance. You were the one trying to soothe me, even though it should have been the other way around. You were always so good to me. You always cared, even if I snapped at you. So how could I ever hate you, Bella?"

I felt my throat constrict at his words. And the fact that he used my new name instead of calling me Izzy.

I looked up at him and saw the truth in his eyes. He meant every word.

I had to ask though.

"Why now?"

He looked up at me in confusion.

"Why are you telling me now? Aren't you still with Jessica? Doesn't it break the deal you made?"

"No. It doesn't, because I'm not. She never stated how long it would last, or that it would still be in effect if we split up. So, technically, I'm not breaking any rules. That, and what they had planned back then, they can't carry out anymore."

The look in his eyes made me change my mind about asking him what they had planned.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

We didn't speak much for the rest of the lesson, but we both seemed less tense now.

Maybe things could slowly start to move on. Maybe we could both finally let it go and just be happy.

I don't know if we would be able to move on together, but hoped we could perhaps be on speaking terms again one day.

Although I fully believed him about all that had happened, I certainly wasn't ready to forgive him. While he may have been doing what he thought was best for me, the wounds he had given me were still too deep to ignore.

The physical wounds I had gotten that day from running through the forest had healed and left no scars, but the wounds inside were still open. They had been roughly sewn together in the last six years, but they had never healed. Seeing him again had ripped the weak stitches free and caused the old wounds to bleed fully again. Now I hoped that with the closure we had, maybe my wounds would finally begin to heal properly. Though I highly doubted that they wouldn't leave scars. Particularly the jagged wound to my heart. I knew that would never disappear.

But maybe, just maybe, I could finally put this all behind me.

Whatever the future may hold for us, it was nice to be able to relax around Edward at last, and to know what had made him treat me the way he did.

**----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Finally! So sorry I haven't updated any of my stories for goddamn ages, but I have had some insane writers block. I've written nothing of my book either. Damn. Also, just started Uni again about three weeks ago, so have been busy settling in. I think I'm getting over my WB though, and will hopefully be updating both my other stories soon, and also this one again in the near future.**

**Hope you liked the chapter guys. **

**(and no, this isn't the end. Far from it. Lots more drama and such to come!)**

**~ULTRAnumb**

**(Btw, this chappie is named after the Paramore song Looking Up, from their new album Brand New Eyes. The first three lines of it are perfect for the feelings in this chappie!)**


	10. The Last Time

**I am soooooooooo sorry for how long it's been! I have been so busy with Uni and trying to get the grades to pass, that I have just had no time to work on my stories! I am really trying to get caught up though!**

**Thanks for the reviews guys! Big thanks to VeggieGirl15 for her hilarious reviews on my stories! They fucking cracked me up! Definitely made my day reading all of those!**

**(also, please check out my new story, What I've Done, which is Without You from Edward's point of view!)**

**Anyway, on with the chappie!**

**

* * *

**

**B POV**

I woke up and stared at the ceiling above me.

God, life can be so fucked up.

I had finally found out why Edward had stopped being friends with me, and we had started over again.

Although I hadn't forgiven him, we talked happily enough in our English lecture and would chat if we bumped into one another around campus.

Only problem was, he wasn't who he used to be. I could see bits of _my_ Edward sometimes. Certain things he would say, certain expressions on his face, but he wasn't him.

My Edward would never have done drugs. My Edward wouldn't have stopped speaking to his family when he was sixteen. My Edward never would have been this fucked up.

He said he wanted to start over with me, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to be friends with an Edward who smoked, took drugs, treated people like shit and acted as though his family didn't exist.

I thought back to yesterday. To our argument.

When I told him I couldn't be friends with him anymore. Not like this.

* * *

_(Flashback)_

_I was sitting at my desk in our literature lecture, waiting for Edward to arrive. _

_He had been late most days. It had been just over a week since we had started speaking._

_No matter what time of day it was, he looked ill and tired. Again, not at all how I remember him. Edward was never ill._

_I sat waiting for him to get there, wondering what was wrong with him._

_I worried that he was still doing drugs. If he was, he was a fucking moron. He had almost died recently because of drugs, surely that had to have scared him?_

_He finally made it to class, and all but collapsed in the chair next to me._

_He looked worse than ever. I turned to look at him. His pupils were dilated._

_He was still doing drugs._

_I turned away from him in disgust._

_How could he still be doing drugs?! He almost died for fuck sake! _

_What was wrong with him?!_

"_Hi." he murmured._

_I just ignored him._

"_Bella? Are you alright?"_

"_Yeah." I answered. "I'm fine. You on the other hand…."_

_I trailed off, not needing to finish the statement._

"_What?"_

"_Don't give me that! You know full well 'what'!"_

"_No, I don't."_

"_You need it spelt out? Fine. You've been taking drugs. Even after you almost died because of them!"_

"_Bella...I'm not-"_

"_No." I cut him off sharply. "Don't even try to deny it. Edward, I work for an anti-drug group. Do you really think I don't recognise the signs?!"_

_He at least had the good grace to look ashamed._

_Though it was just shame that he had been caught._

"_Bella, it's not that easy to just stop."_

"_The hell it isn't!" I hissed furiously. "I know it's not 'easy'. But it is possible. If you want to stop. I've seen plenty of people stop. I've helped people to stop. What you mean is you don't WANT to stop."_

"_No! That's not-"_

"_Don't bother, Edward! I've been around enough people who take drugs to be able to know when someone doesn't want to quit."_

"_You don't know what -"_

"_Just stop, Edward. Look at it this way. Either quit the drugs, or I'm done."_

"_What?!" he looked horrified by what I'd said._

"_If you keep taking drugs then I'm out. I can't be friends with you if you do drugs."_

"_Why? Because you're part of an anti-drug group? You can't be seen to hang out with someone who made the choice to take drugs?" he scoffed, looking hurt and angry._

"_No." I whispered. "I can't be friend with you, because it's not you. The Edward I knew and loved never would have been like this."_

"_Because I'm different, you can't-"_

"_No, Edward. Not because you're different. If you just drank, and maybe smoked, I wouldn't be so bothered. But I can't do this."_

"_You can't accept-"_

"_No. I can't accept that you do drugs."_

"_So that's it? You don't want to be my friend anymore."_

_The look of sorrow on his face broke my heart. I had to make him understand._

"_I didn't say I don't want to be. I said I can't."_

_The lecture had finished, and we were putting our books back in our bags._

"_Why not? Because I chose to do drugs? Because it would look bad for you to be associated with someone who takes drugs?"_

"_No!" I cried. Why wouldn't he let me explain?!_

"_Then why?!" he yelled._

"_Because I still love you too much to watch you kill yourself!"_

_Edward froze and stared at me._

"_You were my best friend. For thirteen years and I…I just…can't…..can't watch you kill yourself." I whimpered._

"_Bella…."_

"_Please. I can't do this. You won't stop taking drugs…..so I can't be part of your life. I can't stand by and watch. I just…..can't. I'm sorry…..so sorry!"_

_With that I turned and ran. I ran all the way across campus to reach my dorm room._

_When I got there, I collapsed on my bed and sobbed for a full two hours before I finally cried myself to sleep._

_(End flashback)_

* * *

Edward hadn't tried speaking to me. He hadn't come to my room, he hadn't texted or tried calling me. He had made his choice. After all he had said, about wanting me back in his life….he had chosen drugs over me. I felt my heart breaking all over again.

Tasha and the others had come and tried to talk to me, but I didn't want anyone around me. All I wanted was Edward. Tasha had given me the space I needed and had gone to spend the night in Khloe and Lacey's room.

I hardly slept that night. I just sat on my bed in the dark and stared at my phone. Willing it to ring. It never did. As I sat there, I thought about everything that had happened in the last week. I had become started talking to Edward again. My old best friend. And he hadn't been my Edward. But I still cared. I wanted him to be ok. But he didn't care how I felt. That much was clear. And yet I couldn't stop myself crying over him.

I couldn't help him if he didn't want to help himself. This was the last time I'd try. If he didn't want to quit, then I wasn't going to make him. At least the past had been put to rest. Even if I couldn't be his friend anymore, I could move on and be happy with my life at last. I might be able to fully trust my new friends now. And maybe finally have a love life.

_I'm sorry, Edward, but this is it. The last time. The last time I'll argue with you about drugs. The last time I'll talk to you. _

_The last time I'll cry over you._

* * *

**Ta-da! Finally have a new chappie! Yay me! Again, I am so sorry about the delay. RL can suck sometimes. Oh well. I will try and be more consistent with my updates. I promise.**

**Please do read What I've Done if you haven't already, it's quite a way behind this one, but seeing as I started it a while after this one, it's only to be expected. (btw, the chappie is named after the Within Temptation song, The Last Time. I think it works well for Bella's thoughts on Edward's drug abuse. If you haven't heard it, I strongly suggest you do. Let me know what you think of it in relation to the story if you do!)**

**~ ULTRAnumb x-x-x**


	11. Bollocks!

Fuuuuuuuuuck!

I am such a terrible person guys.

It has been soooooooooooo long since I wrote anything. I'm soooooooo sorry guys! (if anyone still bothers to even look at these) Basically, life sucks and my muse sucks even harder. I WILL, I swear I WIILL, continue all my stories soon.

I have ONE problem though. All the notes I had for them are on my laptop. And it won't log in. Fuck. So, due to how long it's been, I actually can't remember where they are going. Or in some cases, I kinda can, but can't remember any of the filler ideas I had. I either need to get my laptop working again, or try and re-write them after what I have. Or maybe entirely…. Not sure. Hm. I'll let you know. All I can say is, I WILL start writing again. I love my stories, and I so want to finish them. I hope you can all understand, and that you all forgive me. Almost three years. Fuck. I'm SO sorry to all the wonderful people who read and reviewed them all. I only hope I can do you all proud one day with them. xxx

~ ULTRAnumb xxx


	12. IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!

**Hey guys. Ok, so new plan. This story is stopping. Or at least, this version is. I've re-read it, and I'm not happy with it anymore. So I'm gonna re-write and re-post it all.**

**I'm gonna leave this one, simply because I utterly love the wonderful comments from my dear readers.**

**But, as I say, I'm not entirely happy with the story anymore.**

**Some chapters will just be tinkered with, some will be re-written entirely, and there will be new ones added in place of others, which will be completely removed.**

**Ok, so I'll start working on that now. :)**

**Hope you all stick with me long enough to get to the end of this story one day. **

**(I'll also be re-writing the E POV story, What I've Done at some point)**

**~ ULTRAnumb**

**xx**


End file.
